Liquid Gold

There are few things I love more than peeling open my drowsy eyes in the morning to the delightful sight of golden-hued sunshine streaming through the slats of my window shades, the felicitous rays spilling all over my room.  Streams of blissful light illuminate the entire space, filling the air with a palpable resplendence.  As that golden brilliance shines through, it falls onto my sleepy face and offers me an irresistable invitation to approach the day with an unprecedented sense of optimism; I dare not decline, hardly able to refrain from smiling.

Even though all I can see is a slight bit of the golden rays glimmering through the blinds, I am confident that should I peek through the slats, I will not see storm clouds gathering or rain showering down.  I know the sun is shining and illuminating the entire sky outside my window.  Despite only having a few, small glimpses of the sunshine, I believe it is truly shining by the obvious effects of it that I witness - a shadow of the tree outside my window, a glow that lights up the space between four walls, the particles swirling within each splenderous ray.

Particularly during the bleak, cloudy months of Autumn and Winter in Oregon, the appearance of the sun brings with it an extra dose of hopefulness; it’s life-giving beams infuse my wearied soul with a reassurance that not all is dim and desolate.  So on those incandescent mornings, when that warm golden sunshine radiates through the cracks and infiltrates all the corners of my room, I hear God’s personal greeting to me, spoken affectionately: “Good morning, my dear one!  Come enjoy this beautful day with me, a brand new one I made just for you!  Leave the past behind, let the future come as it will.  For now, enjoy this day.  Come exist with me, My Beloved.”

The sun shining through the small crevices serves as a reminder: even when all I can barely see are small glimpses of God, it in no way indicates that God is not present.  Conversely, it is proof that God is very much present.  But maybe the glimpses are not enough to satisfy; what if I want to be immersed in the liquid gold?

If this is the case, there is a catch.  Here it is: I have a choice in what approach I take in viewing my life.  I could stay comfortably in bed, lying there and catching a few glimmers and rays of the light.  Or, I can choose to get up, to walk to the window, and peek through the slats to see the sun for myself…or to raise the blinds and become completely saturated in the light.  Whether I choose to do any of this does not change that it is gloriously, warmly, sunshiney outside – I am simply choosing to get more of it.

“Isnt’ it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” – Anne of Green Gables

A Psalm: 42

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

(My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon — from Mount Mizar.)

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me–
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Lessons

Once again, I feel the inspiration to write at a time when I should be doing something else (like writing a 10-page paper that is due next week).  But I find it so difficult to pass up the opportunity when it is presented, as it doesn’t seem to happen often.  So here I am.

I’ve been considering this last year of my life and how much it has focused on learning about myself.  I have learned quite a lot, some by discovery, some by process of elimination.  A few examples seem in order…

I’ve learned that:

• Music and dance are passions in which I find great joy, but are not career paths for me.
• “Jeopardy” is my favorite tv show.
• I love words.
• I love languages. And want to learn them.
• Family is the most important thing.  They are a very close #2 position to God’s #1.
• I am an “old soul” and I am more than ok with that.
• It is important to have dreams and that I decide to what lengths I will go to see them come true.
• Being mad at God is not worth it; living life without Him is pointless.
• I can be content; I do not need to run away or escape from unhappiness.
• That apparently more than a couple people see me ending up with an artistic-musician type…we’ll see…
• In times of confusion, God is trying to get me to trust Him, not leaving it up to me to figure everything out.
• In addition, I am not in control of my life; God is.  This one is huge.
• It really is important to evaluate the relationships being invested in; to realize what ones are and what ones aren’t worth investment.
• To seek out positive people in life; those that will lift me up, not drag me down.
• To be intentional about living; to not let life pass me by.
• There is only one cure for a broken heart: Jesus.

These are just a few lessons.  And listing them here is not to say that I’ve mastered them, but that I am aware of them.  I am the example of “a work in progress.”  I have so far to go, but am encouraged by how far I have come.  Change is possible.  I am becoming more aware of myself, continuing to discover and learn, and it’s exciting!  Of all, the most wonderful discovery is how deeply I want to follow God, despite my efforts to turn away.  My desire is innate, and so am I realizing that my Savior’s desire for me is of the same nature.  His love is truly extraordinary and there is nothing else on earth that can satisfy a longing that was meant to be satisfied only by God.  And while I know that I have much left to accomplish, I can rest in His Amazing Grace and Extraordinary Love.  And what a place to be!

“I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God’s help I shall succeed.” – Vincent van Gogh

New Name

If you have ever read my blog in the past, you may have noticed that the name has changed from “Angel’s Prompting” to “Tales Along the Way.”  In the slightly possible case that you might be wondering why, here was my reasoning. 

First of all, I would like to start writing more – both in quantity and frequency.  Furthermore, I felt that a name change would signify a new beginning according to my new goal of blogging more often.  I wanted a name that held some sort of significance, and this is where I came up with “Tales Along the Way.”  A constant reminder for myself is “life isn’t a destination; it’s a journey”, and I’m always having to remember that the pathways we take are a part of the story, too – not just where we end up on the path.  In the Bible, Jesus states in John 14:6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.”  Then in Acts chapter 9, when Saul is looking for Christians to persecute, he inquires to find those who belong to “the Way.”  The walk of Christianity is referred to in this way many, many times in God’s Word.  Even though I’ve heard it before, this time it struck a chord within me.  My life isn’t only about milestones, important dates, or particular celebrations.  My life is also the in-between times, the growing times, the learning times.  Big things and little things combined equal my life, not just one or the other.  The exact same goes for each and every one of you. 

I don’t know what you believe, but I hope and pray whether you have entrusted God with your life yet or not that He will continue to whisper gently to your heart, that you would become keenly aware of God’s ceaseless pursuit for your mind, heart, and soul…of his infinite, matchless love for you.  In the midst of this, would you do me the honor of coming back here occasionally to read my ponderings and to give feedback on my jabberings?  These, my tales along the Way.

Utterly Incapable…Wholly Restored

I’ve been feeling God impress upon my heart to put actions to my words…I talk about wanting to be an honest, real, open human being. I often think about and say how that is my ultimate goal: that I would be open with people and in turn they would be open with me. Yet more often than not, I clam up, internalize, decide that I want my life to be private. Well, guess what I’m realizing? One half of my equation is not being put into practice, and then I wonder why my sum never adds up. (I apologize for the poor math analogy). But really, I get to thinking that I should keep my thoughts and life to myself, keep it surface level, go through it alone, and everything would be better. Um…False! It’s not better. And, boy, have I found that out recently. Therefore, this is my re-beginning at being honest, putting my thoughts into words, words into phrases, and articulating what really is going on inside my heart and head.

Once again I am amazed at how exactly the Bible pertains to my current situation. Romans 3:27-28 is precisely what I needed to read at this exact moment, it’s all about who needs to be, and rightfully is, in charge and control of my life. And it’s NOT me.

“What we’ve learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We’ve finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.” – The Message

This sounds oh-so-very familiar…probably because that’s exactly what I’ve been realizing in the last few days: I’m NOT in control. Nor do I need to be. I have a feeling this epiphany should be relieving…so maybe it’s because I haven’t completely accepted it yet, but that’s not how I feel. I think cumbersome would be a better descriptor. Or maybe bothered? Frustrated? Lots of options there. I want to feel relief, to breathe easy. Right now, though, I feel unworthy. I’ve been treating God so disrespectfully… I feel unworthy to be in His presence, to look to Him now. I guess the whole point really is that I am unworthy… yet, it seems this concept is just becoming real to me. I’ve had a serious issue with pride lately, falsely thinking I could make it on my own…it’s a rough lesson to learn.

Romans 3:22-24 — “Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.” – The Message

Oh, the painfully accurate truth that I am so utterly incapable! I’ve tried it on my own and failed miserably. Really, I’ve been miserable. I fall so very short of the mark. I’m asking you God, to please forgive me of my pride, my selfishnes, my ego, my stubborness! Please forgive me of myself!

God, I am desperate for an intervention. I want my life to start going Your way. Turn this life around, guide me, set me right, lead me down Your path. I want to know you. I want to be your child, your beloved, your righteous daughter, your victorious princess. I want all facets of my existence to be infused by Yaweh. Illuminate the dark corners of my life. Redeem your beloved, your wayward daughter. I am done struggling, I’m through with apathy. No longer can I stand, or worse, sit idly by. I’m coming back to you!

Thank you for never ceasing to call my name. Keep calling, ever stronger, louder, clearer. Draw my heart closer to yours. I long for intimacy, my God. I want to be yours completely. I know I’m rough around the edges, a work in progress. This is a revolution of my heart. Please be gentle with me…take my tears, take the pain that lingers. Renew my weary heart. I’m tired of living a jaded life, allowing my perspective to be so tainted. Take my world apart…

I want my living to be for you. I want you. I need you. Thank you for wanting me, even in my most undesirable state. Thank you for loving me.

Grow me, Change me
Deepen my desire
Set my life on fire
I wanna burn for You

Take me, Rearrange me
Fuse my heart with Yours
Let me burn with passion
With a flame never fading

Let others see You in me
NOT for my glory, But only
Ever for Yours, O God!

Go before me
Be behind me
Walk beside me
Remain firm beneath me

You are the immovable Rock on which I stand and I shall not be shaken! As a result of your perfect, precious gift, I now live for the glory of You, God, my King.

Amen.