New Name

If you have ever read my blog in the past, you may have noticed that the name has changed from “Angel’s Prompting” to “Tales Along the Way.”  In the slightly possible case that you might be wondering why, here was my reasoning. 

First of all, I would like to start writing more – both in quantity and frequency.  Furthermore, I felt that a name change would signify a new beginning according to my new goal of blogging more often.  I wanted a name that held some sort of significance, and this is where I came up with “Tales Along the Way.”  A constant reminder for myself is “life isn’t a destination; it’s a journey”, and I’m always having to remember that the pathways we take are a part of the story, too – not just where we end up on the path.  In the Bible, Jesus states in John 14:6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.”  Then in Acts chapter 9, when Saul is looking for Christians to persecute, he inquires to find those who belong to “the Way.”  The walk of Christianity is referred to in this way many, many times in God’s Word.  Even though I’ve heard it before, this time it struck a chord within me.  My life isn’t only about milestones, important dates, or particular celebrations.  My life is also the in-between times, the growing times, the learning times.  Big things and little things combined equal my life, not just one or the other.  The exact same goes for each and every one of you. 

I don’t know what you believe, but I hope and pray whether you have entrusted God with your life yet or not that He will continue to whisper gently to your heart, that you would become keenly aware of God’s ceaseless pursuit for your mind, heart, and soul…of his infinite, matchless love for you.  In the midst of this, would you do me the honor of coming back here occasionally to read my ponderings and to give feedback on my jabberings?  These, my tales along the Way.

Utterly Incapable…Wholly Restored

I’ve been feeling God impress upon my heart to put actions to my words…I talk about wanting to be an honest, real, open human being. I often think about and say how that is my ultimate goal: that I would be open with people and in turn they would be open with me. Yet more often than not, I clam up, internalize, decide that I want my life to be private. Well, guess what I’m realizing? One half of my equation is not being put into practice, and then I wonder why my sum never adds up. (I apologize for the poor math analogy). But really, I get to thinking that I should keep my thoughts and life to myself, keep it surface level, go through it alone, and everything would be better. Um…False! It’s not better. And, boy, have I found that out recently. Therefore, this is my re-beginning at being honest, putting my thoughts into words, words into phrases, and articulating what really is going on inside my heart and head.

Once again I am amazed at how exactly the Bible pertains to my current situation. Romans 3:27-28 is precisely what I needed to read at this exact moment, it’s all about who needs to be, and rightfully is, in charge and control of my life. And it’s NOT me.

“What we’ve learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We’ve finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.” – The Message

This sounds oh-so-very familiar…probably because that’s exactly what I’ve been realizing in the last few days: I’m NOT in control. Nor do I need to be. I have a feeling this epiphany should be relieving…so maybe it’s because I haven’t completely accepted it yet, but that’s not how I feel. I think cumbersome would be a better descriptor. Or maybe bothered? Frustrated? Lots of options there. I want to feel relief, to breathe easy. Right now, though, I feel unworthy. I’ve been treating God so disrespectfully… I feel unworthy to be in His presence, to look to Him now. I guess the whole point really is that I am unworthy… yet, it seems this concept is just becoming real to me. I’ve had a serious issue with pride lately, falsely thinking I could make it on my own…it’s a rough lesson to learn.

Romans 3:22-24 — “Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.” – The Message

Oh, the painfully accurate truth that I am so utterly incapable! I’ve tried it on my own and failed miserably. Really, I’ve been miserable. I fall so very short of the mark. I’m asking you God, to please forgive me of my pride, my selfishnes, my ego, my stubborness! Please forgive me of myself!

God, I am desperate for an intervention. I want my life to start going Your way. Turn this life around, guide me, set me right, lead me down Your path. I want to know you. I want to be your child, your beloved, your righteous daughter, your victorious princess. I want all facets of my existence to be infused by Yaweh. Illuminate the dark corners of my life. Redeem your beloved, your wayward daughter. I am done struggling, I’m through with apathy. No longer can I stand, or worse, sit idly by. I’m coming back to you!

Thank you for never ceasing to call my name. Keep calling, ever stronger, louder, clearer. Draw my heart closer to yours. I long for intimacy, my God. I want to be yours completely. I know I’m rough around the edges, a work in progress. This is a revolution of my heart. Please be gentle with me…take my tears, take the pain that lingers. Renew my weary heart. I’m tired of living a jaded life, allowing my perspective to be so tainted. Take my world apart…

I want my living to be for you. I want you. I need you. Thank you for wanting me, even in my most undesirable state. Thank you for loving me.

Grow me, Change me
Deepen my desire
Set my life on fire
I wanna burn for You

Take me, Rearrange me
Fuse my heart with Yours
Let me burn with passion
With a flame never fading

Let others see You in me
NOT for my glory, But only
Ever for Yours, O God!

Go before me
Be behind me
Walk beside me
Remain firm beneath me

You are the immovable Rock on which I stand and I shall not be shaken! As a result of your perfect, precious gift, I now live for the glory of You, God, my King.

Amen.

Prayer

A prayer for today…and most likely for life.

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

In Jesus’ name.
Amen.

This Girl

From a while ago…

February 10, 2008…

I’m tired of my ramblings. I want to write deliberately, with meaning, passion, and clarity. I care not to blabber on about the woes of such an 18 year old girl. I desire the writings of a young woman seeking after God, to hear of her hopes and dreams, joys and struggles, happiness and heartache.

Right now though, this girl is easily pulled away to reminicsing, to wondering, to worrying. She is all too preoccupied with the “what if’s” and “if only’s” that she is unable to focus on the present – the moment currently. Neither can she easily keep in perspective the tendency of time to pass quickly, and therefore the future, as it relates to opportunity, not that of “possibly’s” and “maybe’s”.

This girl wants deeply for her faith to be blantantly apparent and alluring in that. But maybe she doesn’t want it deeply enough… She feels as though that outcome is far off, possibly never to be attained.

This girl suffers from inconsistency, lack of self-discipline and motivation, lack of ability to focus, worrying, wondering, and wandering, and all other self-inflicted ailments. This girl wonders “will it ever end? Will it ever come to a halt? Is there any sort of relief to be had?”

This girl desires to live a life rich with color and vivacity. To lead an intentional life – to enjoy every minute, to not be in want. To live to the potential that her Creator made possible for her life. She wants to believe that she is beautiful, alluring, captivating.

This girl wants to fall in love with the Lover of her soul – her True Love.

This girl…she is transitioning…she is being shown the love He has for her – His Beloved. She is being told and shown how she fits into this “life” thing – where she shines. She is being shown that not everything is for naught. But that there is a purpose in everything – even her.

-This Girl

Depravity = Wholeness

This quote by C.S. Lewis, I believe it’s found in his book “The Screwtape Letters”, has caught my attention recently, and left me pondering…

“When he talks of losing their selves, He means only abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back their personality, and boasts that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.” – CS Lewis

(as a side note, forgive me if this isn’t organized very well. I’m mostly just trying to get some thoughts out and am not wanting to take the time to reformat, honestly.)

“The Shack”, by William P. Young, is a fictional book; however, just like many other fictional books, there are many thought-provoking ideas, conversations, and situations throughout. One idea was that as a child, your personality is not yet developed, so you’ve basically got this white slate that can be momentarily colored by other people or experiences, but nothing will stick for a while. As you grow older, the colors begin to stay, to develop, your personality begins to show, all of its different facets being different colors. And no two peoples’ personalities, or colors, are the same. I thought that was a good analogy.

Here’s the part I wonder about though, if we’re actually more ourselves the younger we are and less we “grow up”. Or maybe the issue I see is that the older we get, the more we hide our personality, the more we try to conform ourselves to what we think will be better liked by those around us, a personality that is more likely to be accepted.

Yet, what if the youngest of us really do grasp this “be yourselves” thing better than anyone else? I still have a feeling that this is the case. Think about it, as children, in responding to people or situations usually just go with their first reaction, we didn’t stop to think about it beforehand, about how other people are going to like or understand our reaction, like so many “adults” do. We just reacted, and in doing so our personality gloriously shone through. Also, as a child, we didn’t have handfuls of experiences that helped to “shape and define” us. In other words, we were free of life telling us who we should be, how we should act, what we should think. We just were.

Personally, I feel that I was more myself at age 5 than I am now. Once I hit 10 or 12, I figured out that who I was wasn’t “good”, so I learned to let go of it and have been relearning who I am ever since. Only very recently have I felt that I’ve actually really learned anything, but that has only come as I’ve become more comfortable just “letting it fly” and not worrying about others around. By no means am I saying that I’ve got this thing mastered. I’m only saying that it’s actually making sense to me for once, that I’m beginning to grasp this concept and put it into action every so often.

Ultimately, it comes to letting go of yourself and giving it to God. He’s the only one who can really give us our real selves. The more we spend time with him, seek him, get to know him, the more ourselves we become, as our true personality is found only in him. Not in our experiences, good or bad, in other people, in our circumstances, our thoughts, beliefs, or actions. It’s in Him. We’re in Him.

Getting back to where I began…this is what C.S. Lewis is talking about. In order to get to know God intimately, we must give up our own agendas, give up trying to make it, trying to figure it out. We must let go of our planning, scheming, worrying, wondering, pleading…the list goes on forever. We must lose ourselves, letting go of whatever semblance of control we’d previously convinced ourselves we possessed. The key isn’t coming to God with every put together, all pieces in place, everything figured out. No, it’s about coming to God in full realization of our depravity – our brokenness, loss, need, pain, joy, and suffering. God desires openness from us; he wants honesty, brutal honesty. That covers the entire spectrum of emotions, elation to hatred to depression. All of it. I believe that the more we come to Him in our depravity, devoid of ourselves, the more ourselves we will become. We’re made in his image, so doesn’t it make sense to you that the more we learn about him, the more we learn about and become our true selves?