Once again, I feel the inspiration to write at a time when I should be doing something else (like writing a 10-page paper that is due next week).  But I find it so difficult to pass up the opportunity when it is presented, as it doesn’t seem to happen often.  So here I am.

I’ve been considering this last year of my life and how much it has focused on learning about myself.  I have learned quite a lot, some by discovery, some by process of elimination.  A few examples seem in order…

I’ve learned that:

• Music and dance are passions in which I find great joy, but are not career paths for me.
• “Jeopardy” is my favorite tv show.
• I love words.
• I love languages. And want to learn them.
• Family is the most important thing.  They are a very close #2 position to God’s #1.
• I am an “old soul” and I am more than ok with that.
• It is important to have dreams and that I decide to what lengths I will go to see them come true.
• Being mad at God is not worth it; living life without Him is pointless.
• I can be content; I do not need to run away or escape from unhappiness.
• That apparently more than a couple people see me ending up with an artistic-musician type…we’ll see…
• In times of confusion, God is trying to get me to trust Him, not leaving it up to me to figure everything out.
• In addition, I am not in control of my life; God is.  This one is huge.
• It really is important to evaluate the relationships being invested in; to realize what ones are and what ones aren’t worth investment.
• To seek out positive people in life; those that will lift me up, not drag me down.
• To be intentional about living; to not let life pass me by.
• There is only one cure for a broken heart: Jesus.

These are just a few lessons.  And listing them here is not to say that I’ve mastered them, but that I am aware of them.  I am the example of “a work in progress.”  I have so far to go, but am encouraged by how far I have come.  Change is possible.  I am becoming more aware of myself, continuing to discover and learn, and it’s exciting!  Of all, the most wonderful discovery is how deeply I want to follow God, despite my efforts to turn away.  My desire is innate, and so am I realizing that my Savior’s desire for me is of the same nature.  His love is truly extraordinary and there is nothing else on earth that can satisfy a longing that was meant to be satisfied only by God.  And while I know that I have much left to accomplish, I can rest in His Amazing Grace and Extraordinary Love.  And what a place to be!

“I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God’s help I shall succeed.” – Vincent van Gogh

If you have ever read my blog in the past, you may have noticed that the name has changed from “Angel’s Prompting” to “Tales Along the Way.”  In the slightly possible case that you might be wondering why, here was my reasoning. 

First of all, I would like to start writing more – both in quantity and frequency.  Furthermore, I felt that a name change would signify a new beginning according to my new goal of blogging more often.  I wanted a name that held some sort of significance, and this is where I came up with “Tales Along the Way.”  A constant reminder for myself is “life isn’t a destination; it’s a journey”, and I’m always having to remember that the pathways we take are a part of the story, too – not just where we end up on the path.  In the Bible, Jesus states in John 14:6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.”  Then in Acts chapter 9, when Saul is looking for Christians to persecute, he inquires to find those who belong to “the Way.”  The walk of Christianity is referred to in this way many, many times in God’s Word.  Even though I’ve heard it before, this time it struck a chord within me.  My life isn’t only about milestones, important dates, or particular celebrations.  My life is also the in-between times, the growing times, the learning times.  Big things and little things combined equal my life, not just one or the other.  The exact same goes for each and every one of you. 

I don’t know what you believe, but I hope and pray whether you have entrusted God with your life yet or not that He will continue to whisper gently to your heart, that you would become keenly aware of God’s ceaseless pursuit for your mind, heart, and soul…of his infinite, matchless love for you.  In the midst of this, would you do me the honor of coming back here occasionally to read my ponderings and to give feedback on my jabberings?  These, my tales along the Way.

Once again I am amazed at how exactly the Bible pertains to my current situation. Romans 3:27-28 is precisely what I needed to read at this exact moment, it’s all about who needs to be, and rightfully is, in charge and control of my life. And it’s NOT me.

“What we’ve learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We’ve finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.” – The Message

This sounds oh-so-very familiar…probably because that’s exactly what I’ve been realizing in the last few days: I’m NOT in control. Nor do I need to be. I have a feeling this epiphany should be relieving…so maybe it’s because I haven’t completely accepted it yet, but that’s not how I feel. I think cumbersome would be a better descriptor. Or maybe bothered? Frustrated? Lots of options there. I want to feel relief, to breathe easy. Right now, though, I feel unworthy. I’ve been treating God so disrespectfully… I feel unworthy to be in His presence, to look to Him now. I guess the whole point really is that I am unworthy… yet, it seems this concept is just becoming real to me. I’ve had a serious issue with pride lately, falsely thinking I could make it on my own…it’s a rough lesson to learn.

Romans 3:22-24 — “Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.” – The Message

Oh, the painfully accurate truth that I am so utterly incapable! I’ve tried it on my own and failed miserably. Really, I’ve been miserable. I fall so very short of the mark. I’m asking you God, to please forgive me of my pride, my selfishnes, my ego, my stubborness! Please forgive me of myself!

God, I am desperate for an intervention. I want my life to start going Your way. Turn this life around, guide me, set me right, lead me down Your path. I want to know you. I want to be your child, your beloved, your righteous daughter, your victorious princess. I want all facets of my existence to be infused by Yaweh. Illuminate the dark corners of my life. Redeem your beloved, your wayward daughter. I am done struggling, I’m through with apathy. No longer can I stand, or worse, sit idly by. I’m coming back to you!

Thank you for never ceasing to call my name. Keep calling, ever stronger, louder, clearer. Draw my heart closer to yours. I long for intimacy, my God. I want to be yours completely. I know I’m rough around the edges, a work in progress. This is a revolution of my heart. Please be gentle with me…take my tears, take the pain that lingers. Renew my weary heart. I’m tired of living a jaded life, allowing my perspective to be so tainted. Take my world apart…

I want my living to be for you. I want you. I need you. Thank you for wanting me, even in my most undesirable state. Thank you for loving me.

Grow me, Change me
Deepen my desire
Set my life on fire
I wanna burn for You

Take me, Rearrange me
Fuse my heart with Yours
Let me burn with passion
With a flame never fading

Let others see You in me
NOT for my glory, But only
Ever for Yours, O God!

Go before me
Be behind me
Walk beside me
Remain firm beneath me

You are the immovable Rock on which I stand and I shall not be shaken! As a result of your perfect, precious gift, I now live for the glory of You, God, my King.

Amen.

This is adapted from something I wrote for a school project a few months ago, which for a while I’ve been considering posting here.  I know that I haven’t talked a whole lot about my summer last year and the experiences I had, as well as to the extent that I experienced what happened…  There are some reasons for this, one being that it hurt to talk about it, another being that no one really asked about it.  I mean, last summer was quite the adventure which held the most heartbreaking experience I have ever had.  I completely understand that it would be an awkward thing to ask about, and honestly, when I’m around my friends and having fun, I’m not about to bring something up that I feel would just drag the whole mood down into the depths.  When I’m with friends I want to have happy times, not sad ones.

Maybe you’re wondering why I haven’t posted this sooner… well, I personally thought that maybe the reason for posting it now was because it didn’t hurt as much to think about everything, but I don’t think that’s the case.  I suppose that the real reason is that I’m not as afraid of the pain now as I have been for a while.  The past year has been a process of coming to the realization that this experience will not fade away with time, that I don’t need to “get over” it, but rather that it is always going to be a part of me – the hurt, the pain, the sadness… it’s all a part of this life here on earth.  The truth is, everyone has their own story to tell.  And this is only a part of mine.  It doesn’t end here.  I’m looking forward to some happier times in the future.  For now though, this is a time to remember…

In January of 2007, my parents and I received a box from my brother and sister-in-law.  Contained inside was a baby doll wearing a diaper, on which was written “Baby Gordon: Coming Fall 2007”.  The excitement, anticipation, and love we all felt for this upcoming addition to our family was overwhelming.  It was going to be my parent’s first grandchild, and my first niece or nephew. 

My excitement for this new little one grew as I ended up spending the summer with my brother and sister-in-law, Chris and Alyssa, in California.  It was wonderful to be near the soon-to-be parents as they got ready for the arrival of their first child, and it was very special to watch their attachment and love grow stronger everyday to this baby.  We frequently talked of plans for the baby’s room and gifts that were trickling in were being stored in the back closet, where there was already an ample supply of diapers ready and waiting to be put to use.  Whenever there was a gathering of any sort, whether of friends and/or family, this baby was a main topic of conversation, what with everyone looking forward to meeting him or her.

Life was pretty hectic since Chris, Alyssa and I were all working full-time jobs – Chris at the university, Alyssa teaching, and I was working at Disneyland, and the university where Chris works.  Despite the busyness, it was a good summer.  I was learning what it’s like to be on my own, and even though I was quite homesick at times, I loved the freedom I was beginning to feel.

On July 3^rd, Alyssa started having some mild contractions.  She ended up at the hospital three different times that day, each time the doctors and nurses saying that the contractions weren’t showing up on the monitors, and then telling her to go home and get some rest, and if they persisted, to come back in. 

Then came a day we will never forget.  On July 4^th, I was awoken around 4am by a call on my cell phone – it was the second one I’d gotten that morning, but the first that I’d waken up to answer.  It was my mom calling from Oregon and she was telling me that Chris and Alyssa were at the hospital, that Alyssa had the baby.  I’ll always remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard those words.  I recall, in my sleepy stupor, thinking that this couldn’t be good, as Alyssa was only about six months along, with another three and half months to go.

Needless to say, I shot out of bed and headed straight for the hospital.  They had already taken the baby to an intensive care unit, but I was able to see Chris and Alyssa and Alyssa’s parents and younger brother, all of us in shock.  I found out that I had a niece and her name was Hannah Grace.

The following ten days were without a doubt the longest ten days of my life.  Our days were filled with visits to the hospital to visit little Hannah Grace, reports that she had a strong heart, that she was a fighter, that she just might make it.  Our hope grew strong, and our prayers frequent, for this precious baby girl.  We even heard several stories of people who were born this prematurely, one in particular over 50 years ago, that were alive and well, completely and normally developed.  This helped boost our confidence that Hannah Grace was going to pull through.

Ten days after Hannah was born, we received a phone call.  It wasn’t good news.  Hannah had a brain hemorrhage and the only way she would make it would be by keeping her on life support.  Her chances of growing and developing into a normal, fully functioning child were zero to none, save a miracle happening.

After much prayer and deep thought, Chris and Alyssa came to the decision that it would be better and less painful for their baby girl to let her go now.  This was by no means an easy decision, for as much as they wanted to keep Hannah Grace with them, they knew that in the long run it would be better for all of them to give her up to God. 

So that Saturday afternoon, July 14^th, our family made the trip to the hospital, each of us laden with heavy hearts, contemplating the huge impact this little girl had so quickly made in every one of our lives.  In a small, stuffy room we all gathered to say our goodbyes to Hannah Grace.  The next three hours dragged on for what seemed to be forever, yet it could never have lasted long enough.  We all had a chance to hold our niece, daughter, granddaughter, to feel her in our arms.  Her gasps for air as she fought to hold on to this life on earth will forever ring in my ears.  Then finally she breathed her last. 

Never have I shed so many tears or felt such sobs wrack my body as I did that night.  Holding my beautiful niece in my arms, the image of watching her struggle so hard to hang on to this life will not soon be be lost from my memory, if ever.  I pleaded with God that this would be an awful dream that I would soon wake from, and that Hannah Grace would be healthy, still growing in her mommy’s tummy, waiting until the right time to come into this world.  But I guess God had a different plan for my little niece.

It’s been almost a year since Hannah Grace died.  And I am still left daily wondering “why”.  While I may never understand the reasons why, I choose to believe that God has a plan in this.  Maybe I don’t totally believe that with all my heart yet, and who knows if I ever will.  But even considering the other option, that it was all for naught, leaves me completely void of hope, for Hannah’s short-lived life, and for the future.

This experience has taught me that our life here on earth is not guaranteed to us.  It’s a gift that I need to make the most of while I’m here.  I need to let those dear to me know that I love them, and to learn to not fear love.  I have learned that while I may not understand what God has planned, and I may more often than not doubt that God does have a plan, my life is not my own, and therefore when I choose to release control to God, an unexplainable peace fills my heart.  Only then, when I give up my desire for control and complete understanding, am I able to be effectively used by God, and he is able to work in my life, shaping me into the woman I desire to be – passionately in love and seeking to follow him in everything.

So basically, I’m pretty dang excited right now.  First of all, last week I got a laptop!  And I love it.  It’s been rather distracting at times helpful with school and getting assignments done and everything.  It’s been pretty cool being able to do what I want with it, like downloading iTunes and AIM, and other fun things.  It’s pretty much my favorite thing right now, and I am majorly looking forward to taking it with me to some sweet wifi-enabled coffee shops…  I’ll just make sure to steer clear of Keizer…  (that was for you, Elliot.)

Now, for the second distraction…  my iPod Nano came today!  Whoo!  It’s pretty much my second favorite thing right now.  SO amazing.  Some may begin to think this iPod is just a normal iPod.  But it isn’t.  This iPod is a result of a summer filled with hard work, sweat, fake smiles, too many early mornings being at work by 6am, not nearly enough hours of sleep, a few 100 degree days, bus rides, walking through the Wal-mart in Santa Ana, people, working two jobs, an extreme amount of walking, sucky life happenings, sucessfully getting through the summer without one papercut, stupid copy machines that like to jam all too frequently, me becoming slightly addicted to coffee in the mornings, annoying high-waisted tan canvasy pants, ignorant people, and yellow-cone flashlights.  THAT is what this iPod is.

 All this to say, I’m pretty happy right now.  It’s a good feeling.  I kinda like it…

Well, I’ve decided that it’s finally time to make a return to the blogging world.  Be patient with me though… it’s looking to be a slow return, and most likely plagued with a few “lame” posts.  But some are better than none in most cases, right?  Hopefully this is one of those cases…

For reference, I returned home almost two months ago.  It’s crazy to think that I’ve already been back for more than half the time I spent away.  Sometimes it feels as if I never left, other times it feels as though I was gone forever, and yet there are times I’m left wondering if this past summer ever even happened. 

The transition time has been longer than I expected.  Although, I’m not even sure what I was expecting.  Guess I figured I’d just come home and everything would be back to normal, like it was when I left.  But it’s different.  I’m different.  Or at least, I feel different.  Sometimes it drives me crazy – then other times I love it.  It’s called growing up – sometimes it rocks, other times it sucks.  Big time.  Especially when about a year or two’s worth of growing up is condensed into a couple months.  Can’t say that I’d exactly suggest that for anyone.  Alas, that is what my life has been these past few months. 

In addition to this transitional time – a. adjusting back to home life and b. growing up – I have this whole separate and yet ever-present facet of my being and emotions to deal with.  Sometimes it creeps upon me as a sobering reminder, inducing introspective moods and quiet times of contemplation.  Other times it rushes in unexpectedly, overwhelming me, flooding into my thoughts and taking over what semblance of composure I’d previously been able to conjure up.

The inconsistency of emotions is frustrating, to say the least, as well as incredibly tiring.  Seriously, there has never been a time in my life when napping has been so appealing.  In addition to the up-and-down emotions, other irritating aspects of my life right now include frequent indecisiveness, difficulty concentrating, and lack of motivation.  Gosh, I sound like some sort of pharmaceutical drug commercial…

Yet amidst the turmoil, God’s presence has been apparent.  He has been awakening my heart and spirit to him once again, revealing himself and sending reminders to me of his trustworthiness and faithfulness in new, unexpected ways.  Thankfully, he is continuing to be patient with my “two steps forward, one step back” pattern of late, too.  I can feel him renewing my faith; a sense of ownership has been growing in me.  For once in my life, I can recognize that this Faith, which has been a constant in my life since before I can remember, is now becoming my own – my choice.  I am consciously pursuing a relationship with God, on my own initiative – not as a requirement or duty.

I hope that it doesn’t feel as though I’m “unloading” on all of you; I just felt that in order to continue blogging (which I would like to do), I needed to begin with a life-update of sorts – an honest, upfront expression of where I’m at right now.  In a way, this is for you, those reading.  But mostly, it’s another step for me.  This isn’t to say that I’m just full of doom and gloom, so don’t worry.  God is doing some exciting things in my life, I still love to laugh, and I haven’t completely lost what sense of humor I had before.  Rather, this is just a phase that I’m in. 

So while life is just not what I expect, or would like it to be, more often than not, I’m learning that nothing soothes and satisfies the emptiness, loneliness, madness, longing like God can.  Emphasis on God being able to provide for me - it’s up to me to approach Him, to request His comfort, to trust Him.

For those of you who may not know, I got a job.  Yay!  I officially started on Sunday.  And guess what?  It’s at Disneyland!!!  I am so freaking excited!  I got hired into attractions (the rides) and the area I will be working in is Critter Country/New Orleans Square, which is fantastic, since there’s some pretty sweet rides there.  I got my own nametag and i.d. card.  I wear a costume, which isn’t too bad as long as I don’t look in the mirror too long (no wisecracks about my face, thank you.).  And I get to walk around in backstage areas and through “hidden” doors.  It’s so awesome. 

Anyways, I just wanted to give an update.  It is so crazy how God works things out sometimes.  I really didn’t believe I’d get a job at D-land.  But alas, He has blessed me beyond my imagination, especially in my pursuit of this job.  This experience is helping me to realize that God really does care about our hopes and dreams.  And that He will provide what we need, if we put our trust in Him.  I love what Matthew chapter six says, “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers – most of which are never even seen – don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? [...] …don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (The Message)

 And thank goodness for that.