Depravity = Wholeness

This quote by C.S. Lewis, I believe it’s found in his book “The Screwtape Letters”, has caught my attention recently, and left me pondering…

“When he talks of losing their selves, He means only abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back their personality, and boasts that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.” – CS Lewis

(as a side note, forgive me if this isn’t organized very well. I’m mostly just trying to get some thoughts out and am not wanting to take the time to reformat, honestly.)

“The Shack”, by William P. Young, is a fictional book; however, just like many other fictional books, there are many thought-provoking ideas, conversations, and situations throughout. One idea was that as a child, your personality is not yet developed, so you’ve basically got this white slate that can be momentarily colored by other people or experiences, but nothing will stick for a while. As you grow older, the colors begin to stay, to develop, your personality begins to show, all of its different facets being different colors. And no two peoples’ personalities, or colors, are the same. I thought that was a good analogy.

Here’s the part I wonder about though, if we’re actually more ourselves the younger we are and less we “grow up”. Or maybe the issue I see is that the older we get, the more we hide our personality, the more we try to conform ourselves to what we think will be better liked by those around us, a personality that is more likely to be accepted.

Yet, what if the youngest of us really do grasp this “be yourselves” thing better than anyone else? I still have a feeling that this is the case. Think about it, as children, in responding to people or situations usually just go with their first reaction, we didn’t stop to think about it beforehand, about how other people are going to like or understand our reaction, like so many “adults” do. We just reacted, and in doing so our personality gloriously shone through. Also, as a child, we didn’t have handfuls of experiences that helped to “shape and define” us. In other words, we were free of life telling us who we should be, how we should act, what we should think. We just were.

Personally, I feel that I was more myself at age 5 than I am now. Once I hit 10 or 12, I figured out that who I was wasn’t “good”, so I learned to let go of it and have been relearning who I am ever since. Only very recently have I felt that I’ve actually really learned anything, but that has only come as I’ve become more comfortable just “letting it fly” and not worrying about others around. By no means am I saying that I’ve got this thing mastered. I’m only saying that it’s actually making sense to me for once, that I’m beginning to grasp this concept and put it into action every so often.

Ultimately, it comes to letting go of yourself and giving it to God. He’s the only one who can really give us our real selves. The more we spend time with him, seek him, get to know him, the more ourselves we become, as our true personality is found only in him. Not in our experiences, good or bad, in other people, in our circumstances, our thoughts, beliefs, or actions. It’s in Him. We’re in Him.

Getting back to where I began…this is what C.S. Lewis is talking about. In order to get to know God intimately, we must give up our own agendas, give up trying to make it, trying to figure it out. We must let go of our planning, scheming, worrying, wondering, pleading…the list goes on forever. We must lose ourselves, letting go of whatever semblance of control we’d previously convinced ourselves we possessed. The key isn’t coming to God with every put together, all pieces in place, everything figured out. No, it’s about coming to God in full realization of our depravity – our brokenness, loss, need, pain, joy, and suffering. God desires openness from us; he wants honesty, brutal honesty. That covers the entire spectrum of emotions, elation to hatred to depression. All of it. I believe that the more we come to Him in our depravity, devoid of ourselves, the more ourselves we will become. We’re made in his image, so doesn’t it make sense to you that the more we learn about him, the more we learn about and become our true selves?

Time to Process a Little More

This is adapted from something I wrote for a school project a few months ago, which for a while I’ve been considering posting here.  I know that I haven’t talked a whole lot about my summer last year and the experiences I had, as well as to the extent that I experienced what happened…  There are some reasons for this, one being that it hurt to talk about it, another being that no one really asked about it.  I mean, last summer was quite the adventure which held the most heartbreaking experience I have ever had.  I completely understand that it would be an awkward thing to ask about, and honestly, when I’m around my friends and having fun, I’m not about to bring something up that I feel would just drag the whole mood down into the depths.  When I’m with friends I want to have happy times, not sad ones.

 

Maybe you’re wondering why I haven’t posted this sooner… well, I personally thought that maybe the reason for posting it now was because it didn’t hurt as much to think about everything, but I don’t think that’s the case.  I suppose that the real reason is that I’m not as afraid of the pain now as I have been for a while.  The past year has been a process of coming to the realization that this experience will not fade away with time, that I don’t need to “get over” it, but rather that it is always going to be a part of me – the hurt, the pain, the sadness… it’s all a part of this life here on earth.  The truth is, everyone has their own story to tell.  And this is only a part of mine.  It doesn’t end here.  I’m looking forward to some happier times in the future.  For now though, this is a time to remember…

 

In January of 2007, my parents and I received a box from my brother and sister-in-law.  Contained inside was a baby doll wearing a diaper, on which was written “Baby Gordon: Coming Fall 2007”.  The excitement, anticipation, and love we all felt for this upcoming addition to our family was overwhelming.  It was going to be my parent’s first grandchild, and my first niece or nephew. 

 

My excitement for this new little one grew as I ended up spending the summer with my brother and sister-in-law, Chris and Alyssa, in California.  It was wonderful to be near the soon-to-be parents as they got ready for the arrival of their first child, and it was very special to watch their attachment and love grow stronger everyday to this baby.  We frequently talked of plans for the baby’s room and gifts that were trickling in were being stored in the back closet, where there was already an ample supply of diapers ready and waiting to be put to use.  Whenever there was a gathering of any sort, whether of friends and/or family, this baby was a main topic of conversation, what with everyone looking forward to meeting him or her.

 

Life was pretty hectic since Chris, Alyssa and I were all working full-time jobs – Chris at the university, Alyssa teaching, and I was working at Disneyland, and the university where Chris works.  Despite the busyness, it was a good summer.  I was learning what it’s like to be on my own, and even though I was quite homesick at times, I loved the freedom I was beginning to feel.

 

On July 3^rd, Alyssa started having some mild contractions.  She ended up at the hospital three different times that day, each time the doctors and nurses saying that the contractions weren’t showing up on the monitors, and then telling her to go home and get some rest, and if they persisted, to come back in. 

 

Then came a day we will never forget.  On July 4^th, I was awoken around 4am by a call on my cell phone – it was the second one I’d gotten that morning, but the first that I’d waken up to answer.  It was my mom calling from Oregon and she was telling me that Chris and Alyssa were at the hospital, that Alyssa had the baby.  I’ll always remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard those words.  I recall, in my sleepy stupor, thinking that this couldn’t be good, as Alyssa was only about six months along, with another three and half months to go.

 

Needless to say, I shot out of bed and headed straight for the hospital.  They had already taken the baby to an intensive care unit, but I was able to see Chris and Alyssa and Alyssa’s parents and younger brother, all of us in shock.  I found out that I had a niece and her name was Hannah Grace.

 

The following ten days were without a doubt the longest ten days of my life.  Our days were filled with visits to the hospital to visit little Hannah Grace, reports that she had a strong heart, that she was a fighter, that she just might make it.  Our hope grew strong, and our prayers frequent, for this precious baby girl.  We even heard several stories of people who were born this prematurely, one in particular over 50 years ago, that were alive and well, completely and normally developed.  This helped boost our confidence that Hannah Grace was going to pull through.

 

Ten days after Hannah was born, we received a phone call.  It wasn’t good news.  Hannah had a brain hemorrhage and the only way she would make it would be by keeping her on life support.  Her chances of growing and developing into a normal, fully functioning child were zero to none, save a miracle happening.

 

After much prayer and deep thought, Chris and Alyssa came to the decision that it would be better and less painful for their baby girl to let her go now.  This was by no means an easy decision, for as much as they wanted to keep Hannah Grace with them, they knew that in the long run it would be better for all of them to give her up to God. 

 

So that Saturday afternoon, July 14^th, our family made the trip to the hospital, each of us laden with heavy hearts, contemplating the huge impact this little girl had so quickly made in every one of our lives.  In a small, stuffy room we all gathered to say our goodbyes to Hannah Grace.  The next three hours dragged on for what seemed to be forever, yet it could never have lasted long enough.  We all had a chance to hold our niece, daughter, granddaughter, to feel her in our arms.  Her gasps for air as she fought to hold on to this life on earth will forever ring in my ears.  Then finally she breathed her last. 

 

Never have I shed so many tears or felt such sobs wrack my body as I did that night.  Holding my beautiful niece in my arms, the image of watching her struggle so hard to hang on to this life will not soon be be lost from my memory, if ever.  I pleaded with God that this would be an awful dream that I would soon wake from, and that Hannah Grace would be healthy, still growing in her mommy’s tummy, waiting until the right time to come into this world.  But I guess God had a different plan for my little niece.

 

It’s been almost a year since Hannah Grace died.  And I am still left daily wondering “why”.  While I may never understand the reasons why, I choose to believe that God has a plan in this.  Maybe I don’t totally believe that with all my heart yet, and who knows if I ever will.  But even considering the other option, that it was all for naught, leaves me completely void of hope, for Hannah’s short-lived life, and for the future.

 

This experience has taught me that our life here on earth is not guaranteed to us.  It’s a gift that I need to make the most of while I’m here.  I need to let those dear to me know that I love them, and to learn to not fear love.  I have learned that while I may not understand what God has planned, and I may more often than not doubt that God does have a plan, my life is not my own, and therefore when I choose to release control to God, an unexplainable peace fills my heart.  Only then, when I give up my desire for control and complete understanding, am I able to be effectively used by God, and he is able to work in my life, shaping me into the woman I desire to be – passionately in love and seeking to follow him in everything.

New Distractions

So basically, I’m pretty dang excited right now.  First of all, last week I got a laptop!  And I love it.  It’s been rather distracting at times helpful with school and getting assignments done and everything.  It’s been pretty cool being able to do what I want with it, like downloading iTunes and AIM, and other fun things.  It’s pretty much my favorite thing right now, and I am majorly looking forward to taking it with me to some sweet wifi-enabled coffee shops…  I’ll just make sure to steer clear of Keizer…  (that was for you, Elliot.)

Now, for the second distraction…  my iPod Nano came today!  Whoo!  It’s pretty much my second favorite thing right now.  SO amazing.  Some may begin to think this iPod is just a normal iPod.  But it isn’t.  This iPod is a result of a summer filled with hard work, sweat, fake smiles, too many early mornings being at work by 6am, not nearly enough hours of sleep, a few 100 degree days, bus rides, walking through the Wal-mart in Santa Ana, people, working two jobs, an extreme amount of walking, sucky life happenings, sucessfully getting through the summer without one papercut, stupid copy machines that like to jam all too frequently, me becoming slightly addicted to coffee in the mornings, annoying high-waisted tan canvasy pants, ignorant people, and yellow-cone flashlights.  THAT is what this iPod is.

 All this to say, I’m pretty happy right now.  It’s a good feeling.  I kinda like it…

October

Well, I’ve decided that it’s finally time to make a return to the blogging world.  Be patient with me though… it’s looking to be a slow return, and most likely plagued with a few “lame” posts.  But some are better than none in most cases, right?  Hopefully this is one of those cases…

For reference, I returned home almost two months ago.  It’s crazy to think that I’ve already been back for more than half the time I spent away.  Sometimes it feels as if I never left, other times it feels as though I was gone forever, and yet there are times I’m left wondering if this past summer ever even happened. 

The transition time has been longer than I expected.  Although, I’m not even sure what I was expecting.  Guess I figured I’d just come home and everything would be back to normal, like it was when I left.  But it’s different.  I’m different.  Or at least, I feel different.  Sometimes it drives me crazy – then other times I love it.  It’s called growing up – sometimes it rocks, other times it sucks.  Big time.  Especially when about a year or two’s worth of growing up is condensed into a couple months.  Can’t say that I’d exactly suggest that for anyone.  Alas, that is what my life has been these past few months. 

In addition to this transitional time – a. adjusting back to home life and b. growing up – I have this whole separate and yet ever-present facet of my being and emotions to deal with.  Sometimes it creeps upon me as a sobering reminder, inducing introspective moods and quiet times of contemplation.  Other times it rushes in unexpectedly, overwhelming me, flooding into my thoughts and taking over what semblance of composure I’d previously been able to conjure up.

The inconsistency of emotions is frustrating, to say the least, as well as incredibly tiring.  Seriously, there has never been a time in my life when napping has been so appealing.  In addition to the up-and-down emotions, other irritating aspects of my life right now include frequent indecisiveness, difficulty concentrating, and lack of motivation.  Gosh, I sound like some sort of pharmaceutical drug commercial…

Yet amidst the turmoil, God’s presence has been apparent.  He has been awakening my heart and spirit to him once again, revealing himself and sending reminders to me of his trustworthiness and faithfulness in new, unexpected ways.  Thankfully, he is continuing to be patient with my “two steps forward, one step back” pattern of late, too.  I can feel him renewing my faith; a sense of ownership has been growing in me.  For once in my life, I can recognize that this Faith, which has been a constant in my life since before I can remember, is now becoming my own – my choice.  I am consciously pursuing a relationship with God, on my own initiative – not as a requirement or duty.

I hope that it doesn’t feel as though I’m “unloading” on all of you; I just felt that in order to continue blogging (which I would like to do), I needed to begin with a life-update of sorts – an honest, upfront expression of where I’m at right now.  In a way, this is for you, those reading.  But mostly, it’s another step for me.  This isn’t to say that I’m just full of doom and gloom, so don’t worry.  God is doing some exciting things in my life, I still love to laugh, and I haven’t completely lost what sense of humor I had before.  Rather, this is just a phase that I’m in. 

So while life is just not what I expect, or would like it to be, more often than not, I’m learning that nothing soothes and satisfies the emptiness, loneliness, madness, longing like God can.  Emphasis on God being able to provide for me - it’s up to me to approach Him, to request His comfort, to trust Him.

A Whole New World

For those of you who may not know, I got a job.  Yay!  I officially started on Sunday.  And guess what?  It’s at Disneyland!!!  I am so freaking excited!  I got hired into attractions (the rides) and the area I will be working in is Critter Country/New Orleans Square, which is fantastic, since there’s some pretty sweet rides there.  I got my own nametag and i.d. card.  I wear a costume, which isn’t too bad as long as I don’t look in the mirror too long (no wisecracks about my face, thank you.).  And I get to walk around in backstage areas and through “hidden” doors.  It’s so awesome. 

Anyways, I just wanted to give an update.  It is so crazy how God works things out sometimes.  I really didn’t believe I’d get a job at D-land.  But alas, He has blessed me beyond my imagination, especially in my pursuit of this job.  This experience is helping me to realize that God really does care about our hopes and dreams.  And that He will provide what we need, if we put our trust in Him.  I love what Matthew chapter six says, “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers – most of which are never even seen – don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? [...] …don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (The Message)

 And thank goodness for that.